Hello my friends, it’s been a while. How have you been? I apologize for not writing to you lately, but life’s been a little complicated. I wanted to share some things with you, not all of them good. So even though it starts out a little rough, this blog post is about healing, redemption and silver linings. I’m not even sure where to begin.
I guess let’s start with heartbreak.
Just before the holidays last year I found out that everything I had invested my heart, my time, my energy, my dreams and my whole life in, was a lie. The gory details don’t really matter anymore and this is not the time or the place for that. Suffice it to say I was utterly destroyed. With the holiday season just days away, I put on a happy face and somehow got through. I don’t really remember though. It is all a blur.
I finally broke down in January and I. Just. Stopped. I stopped taking appointments. I stopped seeing friends. I cleared my calendar of every single thing that wasn’t necessity.
I wept. I wailed. I raged. I kind of lost my mind for a while.
As I blasted my way through the worst of the emotional storm raging inside me I became aware of something deep and profound. I had never allowed myself to do this before. Having lived a life full of some serious atrocities, never once had I ever just stopped in my tracks and given myself full permission to process through the pain, the memories, the fear, all of it.
Perhaps I was never really prepared for the emotional onslaught that comes with that kind of process. I’ve always done it in bits and pieces; likely that was all I could handle at any given time.
But in January I knew something had to change. I settled in to a place of solitude and gave myself up to, well, myself. See, I didn’t stop seeing people and doing things because I stopped loving them or needing them in my life. I stopped because I needed to just be with myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my process, my pain. I knew my friends were very angry and upset about that big lie I mentioned earlier. But I couldn’t handle their anger and their feelings, I needed to deal with my own.
It is amazing and beautiful, the things that can happen when you give yourself the best and most important gift of your life. That is what this time of solitude has been for me. A gift that continues to reveal new things to me, show me parts of myself long forgotten or hidden away.
While I was processing the devastation and aftermath of the lie, I needed to feel some sense of being productive. So I spent countless hours researching the best ways to run an online business. I read blogs, listened to webinars, subscribed to newsletters, joined discussion groups. I lost track of time wading through so much material, believing that someone out there had some answers for me. That didn’t improve my mood much! I quickly became disheartened by online marketing tactics and strategies. It all felt like more lies, more misrepresentations. More deceptions drawing you in but resulting in disappointment when the truth was revealed. I’ve had enough of that, thank you very much!
Look, I am a silver linings kind of girl.
I am a Sagittarius and that’s how we roll. Always look on the bright side. An idealistic approach to life that finds the good in everything. And while most of what I have shared with you so far doesn’t feel good and has been challenging, there truly is a silver lining to it all!
Time in solitude and clearing the slate gave me the space I needed to reconnect with my deepest self, my voice, and my truth. It gave me time to get back to what I feel most passionate about. It also opened up space for new connections, which I desperately needed. I have fully stepped into the energy of creative collaboration and I love it. Patience and persistence paid off in my online research and I found a few shining stars whose energy I deeply resonate with.
I connected with the lovely and talented Cherry Jeffs. She generously gave away several coaching calls on her birthday and I was a lucky winner! I told her I was in a creative drought, stuck in a rut and at a complete artistic standstill. In 20 short minutes we got to the heart of the matter. She helped me see how I was still taking in too much from others, even in my time of solitude. (Though we were talking specifically about art, I saw how this also applied to those countless hours doing business research as well.) We set up an action plan that I still hold to. She recommended that I stop looking at other people’s art for a month to get back in touch with my own creative voice. The results were profound and I told her this, “I am going to continue this art fast for a while. It has increased my curiosity about what is inside me that wants to come out.” Our whole interaction influenced the theme for her most recent blog series. I love and am honored that by calling my process an art fast she was inspired to create these amazingly helpful articles. That is the beauty of creative collaboration.
I discovered the amazing genius of the Archetypal Business created by the beautiful and inspiring Cerries Mooney. Going through her program was like a permission slip to finally be exactly all and everything that I am. She has a way of breaking things down to the simplest yet most profound clarity and truth. Truly, her work is mind-blowing and life-changing. She broke through the barriers I built around myself to help me see the essence of who I am and what I can offer to the world. Business doesn’t have to be anything more than that. Cerries’ work combined with my art fast helped me to step away from all the mind-numbing chatter about how I should run my business and all the things I have to do if I want to be successful.
I am calling bullshit on all of that.
I am liberating myself from all the conventional wisdom, all the limiting constructs. I am going to do it my own way. I am in the middle of a complete renovation of myself and my work.
When people say you should think outside the box, I have always replied: there is no box. Yet I put myself in boxes because I thought I had to in order to be loved, to be successful. I put myself in boxes in order to hide, to keep myself safe, to make others more comfortable. I was trying to find a way to fit in. But I don’t want to fit in. I want to stand out. I want to shine. I want to be heard. The greatest discovery and connection I made in all of this time of solitude has been ME. I am coming out of hiding. I am burning down the boxes. I am putting myself, my love, my light and my work out into the world in my own way. I might stumble and it might be messy and it is certainly not going to be perfect. But it will be perfectly me and perfectly bright and perfectly real.
So here I am.
Pamela Morgen. Creative. Alchemist. Astrologer. Tea maker. Jewelry Designer. Singer. Designer. Book Lover. Life Liver. Love Giver. All this and more. I am letting it all out, letting my freak flag fly. I will no longer live in a box or limit myself because someone says I have to if I want to be successful. I will no longer live in a box or limit myself to make other people more comfortable. I am breaking free from it all. I am working on some exciting new projects. I am building a new website that encompasses all that I am and all that I have to offer. Soon you will be hearing a lot more from me about a lot of things I am excited to share with you.
As for the broken heart? It’s mending. Slow but sure. I hate that it happened. But the silver lining is that I was willing to open myself to love. And despite the pain and heartbreak of the lie, I remain hopeful that real and true love will find me one day. Perhaps stepping out of the boxes I put myself in, shining my light as bright as I can, and being all and everything that I am, will draw the right one to me.
With so much Love,
Owner and Tea Alchemist
PS… here is just a glimpse at what you will be seeing on my new website!